What kebabs and train tickets can teach you about Britain

[John Ashworth]

What kebabs and train tickets can teach you about Britain

British life can be confusing for new arrivals, so here is my advice. Step one: buy a late-night snack...

Your next mission is to take a train. If you’re from India or China, you will be used to crowded trains with rigid class systems. So the problem is not the train, but buying the ticket. In Britain, we have a railway system that was privatised, then half-renationalised and fragmented. There has been a lot of investment in Cornish pasty outlets, but not so much on actual rolling stock. So the business model of our railways demands that, even if you are only going from London to Birmingham, you have a choice of two companies, two speeds and many, many price points.

If you buy a ticket marked “any time”, you can forget eating for the next two weeks. If you buy a cheaper “off-peak”, or even “super off-peak” (like much of modern English, you won’t find this in any dictionary), this is where your problems start. There will be a big queue for the ticket machine. As you stand in it, self-righteous English people will tut, murmur and hover over the shoulder of the person struggling to make the machine work. Our politeness, like our global empire, has gone. You will know you’ve really mastered Englishness once you can pull off this muttering and exasperation.

On the ticket screen, you will be offered a vast choice of different tickets to the same destination. Do not try to understand the restrictions. Simply buy the one you can afford and get on the next train. Once it has left the station, you will be confronted by a polite guard telling you to get off or pay a lot more money. Other passengers may rally to your defence, but either way you will get an excellent lesson in the real English language and social dynamics – much better than the ticket-buying module on your language course...