World humour

[John Ashworth]

Not railway-related, but this article on humour across the world caught my eye...

A Mexican, a Kiwi and a Nigerian walk into a bar…

The best way to understand another country is to get to grips with its sense of humour, says Joris Luyendijk. Our foreign correspondents let us in on local gags

* Joris Luyendijk
* The Guardian, Saturday 4 December 2010

Before I tell you my favourite joke from the Middle East, let me take you back to the first joke I was told there. I was on my first trip to the region, back in the early 90s, in the Syrian capital of Damascus. After a nice chat, my taxi driver must have decided I wasn't Mukhabarat or in another way spying for the many intelligence agencies in the country, and told me about a political prisoner who complains about the harsh torture he has to endure. His torturers burst out laughing: "Where do you think you are, Sweden?" The political prisoner returns to his cell very angry, and complains to the other inmates about this disrespectful answer. The inmates burst out laughing: "Where do you think you are, Sweden?"

A pretty lame joke, I admit, but I was in a state of confusion. Arabs who tell jokes… From Hollywood to CNN, I had come to know Arabs as oversexed oil sheikhs, tenacious warriors, mad terrorists, crazy crowds chanting "death to" something, and as interchangeable wailing victims. To encounter Arabs as ordinary people who trade sarcastic jokes. That was new.

Anthropologists think of a good joke as a successful virus. If it catches on, it may tell you something valuable about the host's immune system. Most jokes I picked up in the Arab world dealt with the stupidity of the dictator and his entourage, and on the supposed easy morals of the dictator's partner. The two strands come together in this one from the time Arafat was still around:

A Palestinian policeman is patrolling the beach of Gaza at night when he stumbles on a couple making out. He is about to arrest them when he realises it is Arafat and his wife Suha. "So sorry, rayyis," the policeman fumbles as he tries to get away as fast as he can. But Arafat is adamant: "Arrest me! I have just launched an anti-corruption campaign and that's how the rule of law works – no special cases." Reluctantly, the policeman takes Arafat and Suha to the station where the Palestinian leader receives a 100 shekel fine. Suha must pay 200. "What's that?" asks Arafat. Comes the answer: "For you it was a first offence."

People in the Arab world have to be careful about telling such jokes, and also about laughing at them. You need to make sure the joker is not in fact an agent provocateur for the secret service. But people joke anyway, and this resilience is a great thing to watch, whether the joke is good or bad.

I have always felt that the foreign pages of a good newspaper should feature a jokes section from all over the world as a humanising counterweight to all the reports that stress the differences between there and here. Jokes make you realise: of course, these are people like me. They have to survive in very different circumstances, but they are people all the same. A reporter friend who works in Afghanistan tells me that underneath their burqas Afghan women trade very cruel jokes about the size of the male reproductive organ of the Taliban.

But not all jokes are about sex or the ineptitude of the leadership. Each country has its region to pick on, the way people in my native Holland take it out on the Belgians, and vice versa. Egyptians make fun of people from the south who get portrayed as proud and backward. Syrians make jokes at the expense of people from the city of Homs, in Baghdad it's the Dulaymi people from the Anbar province, and Palestinians laugh about inhabitants of Hebron, who are said to be stupid and out of their depth.

That is perhaps the most striking thing about humour in the Middle East. Most of the time the joke is not on the enemy. As far as I could tell, Palestinians rarely make fun of Jewish settlers, nor the other way around. Instead, people seem to prefer irony, and my favourite joke is an example:

Two Israelis are sitting on the beach in Tel Aviv, reading. One has got a quality newspaper, the other an antisemitic rag. "Why on earth are you reading that?" one asks. "I used to read a quality paper like you," the other sighs, "but I couldn't handle it any more – the rockets from Gaza and Hezbollah getting stronger every day and the Iranian nuclear programme and the suffering economy and growing antisemitism across Europe…" He points to the antisemitic rag. "Now I read this and I feel much better. Turns out there's actually a Jewish global conspiracy and we control the entire world."

Uruguay

The rest of South America takes the piss out of vain, metrosexual Argentinian men. I've heard it all over, but it's most popular in Uruguay:

A girl meets an Argentinian man on the street and asks him for a light. He pats his trousers, chest and back pockets. "Sorry," he says, "I don't have one but, wow, do I have a great body or what?" Rory Carroll

Norway

For Norwegians, it's the Swedes. The Swedes were for centuries the wealthier and more successful Scandinavian sibling, but with the discovery of North Sea oil in the late 1960s, the tables turned:

A Norwegian lorry driver was transporting a load of penguins to the aquarium in Bergen. In the middle of a mountain pass, his lorry broke down, and while he was standing by the side of the road, a Swedish lorry driver pulled over. The Swede asked if he could help, and the Norwegian asked if he could take the penguins to the aquarium. The next day, the Norwegian made it to Bergen. At the first stop light, he caught sight of the Swede standing at the junction with the penguins in a row behind him, waiting on the light.

"What on earth are you doing?" the Norwegian asked. "You were supposed to take those penguins to the aquarium."

The Swede replied, "That was yesterday. Today I'm taking them to the movies." Ian MacDougall

US

This generic regional joke works for anywhere:

"Why wasn't Jesus born in West Virginia? Because God couldn't find three wise men and a virgin." Oliver Burkeman

Pakistan

Most current jokes around here centre on President Zardari, who has an unenviable reputation for corruption:

Robber: "Give me all your money."

Zardari: "Do you know who I am?"

Robber: "No."

Zardari: "I am Asif Ali Zardari, president of Pakistan."

Robber: "OK, give me all my money."Declan Walsh

Mexico

The classic one many Mexicans tell is about a Mexican fisherman walking up the beach with a bucket full of crabs:

"You'd better put a lid or a net on that or they'll get out," a passing gringo says.

"Oh, don't worry," says the fisherman. "They're Mexican crabs. If one of them tries to crawl up the side, the rest will pull it back down." Johanna Tuckman

Iceland

A Norwegian, a Faroese and an Icelander are about to be executed. Each one gets a final wish. The Faroese asks for a final feast of sour shark and dried whalemeat for everyone. The Icelander asks to be allowed to compose an epic poem in the old style about how cruelly he is being treated and about how great Iceland is. The Norwegian thinks for a while, and then says: "Can I be executed before the poem is read and the food is served?" Valur Gunnarsson

Nigeria

A man dies and goes to hell. Once there, he finds that there is a different hell for each country, so he tries to seek out the least painful one.

At the door to German Hell, he is told: "First they put you in an electric chair for an hour. Then they lay you on a bed of nails for another hour. Then the German devil comes in and whips you for the rest of the day."

He does not like the sound of that, so he checks out American Hell, Russian Hell and many more. They are all similarly gruesome. However, at Nigerian Hell a long line of people is waiting to get in. Amazed, he asks, "What do they do here?"

He is told: "First they put you in an electric chair for an hour. Then they lay you on a bed of nails for another hour. Then the Nigerian devil comes in and whips you for the rest of the day."

"But that's the same as the others," says the man. "Why are so many people waiting to get in?"

"Because of the power cuts, the electric chair does not work. The nails were paid for but never supplied, so the bed is comfortable. And the Nigerian devil used to be a civil servant, so he comes in, signs his time sheet and goes back home for private business." Tolu Ogunlesi

Colombia

The joke I like reflects the dark humour of Colombians about their situation. With the second-highest rate of internally displaced people in the world, and being the most unequal country in South America, many people beg or sell goods at traffic lights:

Have you heard the mayor's new jobs plan? Build more traffic lights. Toby Muse

South Africa

The name Van der Merwe in South Africa is like Smith in Britain:

Van der Merwe is driving home after too much to drink at a pub. A policeman pulls him over and asks, "Sir, have you been drinking?"

Van der Merwe decides to admit it: "Yes, I have."

"Did you know," the cop says, "that at the last traffic roundabout, your wife fell out of the car?"

"Oh, thank God," says Van der Merwe. "I thought I'd gone deaf." David Smith

Australia

Two Aussies are adrift in a lifeboat. While rummaging through the boat's provisions, one of them finds an old lamp. He rubs it and a genie appears. The genie grants them one wish only.

Without giving it much thought, the lamp finder says, "Turn the ocean into VB Beer!"

The genie claps his hands with a deafening crash, and the entire sea turns into beer. The genie disappears and only the gentle lapping of beer on the hull breaks the stillness as the two men consider their circumstances.

The second Aussie turns to the first and says, "Nice going, mate! Now we are going to have to pee in the boat." Barbara McMahon

Brazil

The Brazilian version of "Englishman, Irishman, Scotsman…" is generally about the Portuguese:

A Portuguese man visited Brazil and was amazed by what he saw. So many inventions! Such landscapes! He bought a box of matches and sent them to his wife, Maria, back in Portugal. Months later he received a letter: "Joao, I loved the presents, thanks. But the box of matches didn't work quite like you said they would."

Surprised, Joao replied that day: "Maria, I can't understand it! I tested them all before I sent them." Tom Phillips

France

The French joke about the Belgians as the English mock the Irish:

A Belgian puts a coin in a vending machine and gets a Coca-Cola. He puts a second coin in and gets a second Coca-Cola. He puts a third coin in… and so on. A Frenchman standing behind him waiting says, "You certainly like Coca-Cola."

"Why stop playing when I'm winning," replies the Belgian. Kim Willsher

Italy

Italians tell jokes about their carabinieri military policemen, who have a flame emblem on the front of their hats. More jokes are told about them in Italy than about any ethnic or regional group. Many carabinieri traditionally hail from the south, so there is a dose of northern prejudice in there. The carabinieri also represent the Italian state, which is often a laughing stock:

Why did the carabinieri design the flame leaning to the left? So they don't burn their hands when they salute. Tom Kington

Russia

Russia's president Dmitry Medvedev sits in the driver's seat of a new car, examines the inside, the instrument panel and the pedals. He looks around, but the steering wheel is missing. He turns to Vladimir Putin and asks: "Vladimir Vladimirovich, where is the steering wheel?" Putin pulls a remote control out of his pocket and says, "I'll be the one doing the driving." Luke Harding

Bangladesh

This is a joke about Gulistan, an area in the capital, Dhaka:

An American, a Japanese and a Bangladeshi are on a plane. They decide to take on a challenge: to stick their arm out of the window and guess which country they're over. The American puts his arm out of the window and recoils: "Sheesh, it's hot out there. Must be somewhere over the tropics." The Japanese puts his hand out and quickly pulls it back in, saying, "Too cold for me – my guess is it's the South Pole." The Bangladeshi puts his hand outside and keeps it there for a while before bringing it inside and settling back into his seat. "Gulistan, Dhaka," he says. Amazed, the others ask, "How could you tell? Do your people have an innate compass or something?" The Bangladeshi replies, "Nah, my watch has gone." Fariha Karim

Argentina

There's a classic line of Argentinian jokes highlighting national stereotypes – Chileans being boring, Paraguayans stupid, Peruvians crooks. Most jokes, however, are directed at people from Galicia:

A policeman stops a Galician and demands, "Give me your first name and surname"

"You what?" the Galician replies. "And what about afterwards? What will I call myself?" Oliver Balch

Kenya

Kambas have a promiscuous reputation:

Q: What do Kenyans do on Sundays?

A: Kikuyus count their money, Luos play football and Kambas have sex with their own wives. Xan Rice

Congo

This one is about how Congo's elite has underdeveloped this vast, poor, mineral-rich country:

A Congolese minister visited a Cuban minister, who invited him to his stunning mansion. The Congolese minister asked how he'd done it. The Cuban minister took the Congolese minister to the window and pointed outside to a sparkling strip of tarmac. "You see that road? Well, my ministry oversaw it. And I took 10% for myself." The Congolese minister nodded thoughtfully.

Years later, the Cuban minister paid a return visit. The Congolese minister couldn't wait to greet him and take him to his mansion, which was even more sumptuous than the one he had visited years before. "Wow, how did you do this?" asked the Cuban minister. The Congolese minister took him to the window and pointed out at the overgrown scrubland that filled the view: "I commissioned a road, too – 100%!" Katrina Manson

Iran

Jokes in Iran are about ethnic minorities like Turks and Abadani. Recently, President Ahmadinejad has also become a popular target:

According to recent reports, Ahmadinejad's socks have been acknowledged as weapons of mass destruction. Saeed Kamali Dehghan

Germany

Kennedy, Khrushchev and Adenauer get together during the cold war and describe the status of their countries. "Great America!" says Kennedy, reaching tall. "Broad Russia," says Khrushchev, stretching out his arms. "Split Germany," says Adenauer, pointing at his behind. Kate Connolly

New Zealand

An Australian rugby fan, a South African rugby fan and a New Zealand rugby fan are all in Saudi Arabia, sharing a smuggled crate of booze when Saudi police rush in and arrest them. The mere possession of alcohol is a severe offence in Saudi Arabia, so for consuming the booze they are all sentenced to death. However, after many months and with the help of good lawyers, they are able successfully to appeal their sentences down to life imprisonment. By a stroke of luck, it was a Saudi national holiday the day their trial finished, and the benevolent sheikh decided they could be released after receiving just 20 lashes.

As they were preparing for their punishment, the sheikh announced, "It's my first wife's birthday today, and she has asked me to allow each of you one wish before your whipping."

The South African was first. He thought for a while, then said, "Please tie a pillow to my back."

This was done, but the pillow lasted only 10 lashes before the whip went through. When the punishment was done, the South African had to be carried away bleeding and crying with pain.

The Australian was next up. After watching the South African's horror, he said smugly, "Please fix two pillows to my back." But even two pillows could take only 15 lashes before the whip went through and the Australian was soon led away whimpering loudly (as they do).

The New Zealander was the last one up, but before he could say anything, the sheikh turned to him and said, "You are from a most beautiful part of the world and your culture is one of the finest. For this, you may have two wishes!"

"Thank you, your most royal and merciful highness," the Kiwi replied. "In recognition of your kindness, my first wish is that you give me not 20 lashes but 100 lashes."

"Not only are you an honourable, handsome and powerful man, you are also very brave," the sheikh said with an admiring look on his face. "If 100 lashes is what you desire, then so be it. And your second wish"?

"Tie the Australian to my back." Barbara McMahon

END

And let me add two Sudanese jokes which follow the trend of taking the piss out of the political leadership. Both are set in the era of military dictator Jaafar Nimeiri who ruled from 1969-85.

1. President Nimeiri and four of his generals are driving across the desert, but their Land Rover keeps getting bogged down in soft sand. Eventually one of the generals suggests that they let a little air out of the tyres to make them softer and less likely to sink into the sand. They all get out, and each of the four generals goes to one of the tyres and lets a little air out. Soon finished, they get back in the car. "Where's Nimeiri?", asks one of them. "Oh, he's on the roof letting air out of the spare!" comes the reply.

2. President Nimeiri has invented a new form of birth control: the men spend the whole night sitting in their cars queuing for petrol.